HELLO. IT'S ME.

It's normal to not be excited to turn 30. 

     It's approaching. The day is almost here.  Would I want to turn back time and jump back to being 18, 19, 20, 21...and so on? The answer would be simple if I had a choice of a few conditions.  I'd go back to my late teen years if I could go back as the me I am right now; my life now but I'd just be younger.  Nothing but my age would change.  I'd have the same job as a teacher assistant, I'd be with Kyle, I'd live in Los Angeles, I would already have my bachelor's degree.  Literally everything but my age would change.  

     Another question pops up.  WHY am I SO CONCERNED with the fact that I'll be 30? 30 years of life.  Growing up is supposed to be something to look forward to, with somewhat of an aspiration complex.  I should not be so outraged by the large number. I think this might have something to do with the fact that in the past, I have attached some expectations to that number.  If you asked me at 20, what I think my future would hold, I would have probably said that I'd like to be happy, married, have a couple kids, and a house.  I am happy, I have an amazing loving boyfriend but we aren't married yet, do not own a house, and definitely do not have any kids.  I work with kids, but do not have any of my own.  One day, Kyle and I would like to start a family.  We always talk about it and fantasize about our little family.
     I just talked with Kyle about my issues with turning 30 and my expectations.  He made a good point.  Would I have been ready to move/get married/have kids when I was 23-29? No. The answer is no.  How was I supposed to know when I met Kyle? Who was I to know/predict that I'd meet someone special that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with? How was I supposed to predict/call that by a certain age? Some people focus their time and energy on impressing other people instead of tuning in to what is right for them.  I'm not one of those people. I have these basic thoughts about how I'd imagine my life to be by 30, but the truth is, everyone is different and fate is real.  Tuning into your own feelings, and doing what is right for you is the best thing that you can do for yourself and for your life. The thoughts that plague my mind about turning 30 isn't real. The thoughts hang low in my mind and drip on the good that is happening in my mind. It's up to me to accept those thoughts or reject them. That's all they are.
     Life is a journey. I am the person in charge of how I accept the waters ahead, because those parts are unknown. 

Not Alone

If you get anxious in life

if you have thoughts about the past

if you gave it your all and you still aren't happy enough

if you think too much

if you are inside your head too much

if you have trouble being around new people for the length of a conversation

if you are not sure if you made the right amount of the recommended serving size

if you love pizza

if you are the last one to turn in your test

if you check your texts to avoid saying hi to someone you know when you're out

if you daydream

if you can't remember what you did yesterday

if you stay home on a friday night watching netflix in bed with a pint of ice cream

you're not alone.

Sheets in the River

I walked down Meadowlark Lane

wandering down the flower adorned path

sun rays shower my body 

i can feel the crisp air against my skin

i listen to the bluebirds sing

with my sheets in my arms I kneel down to the river and toss

them into the fierce waters

I watch them follow the current

down the rapids 

they quickly pass swimming ducks

and float towards stationary rocks

suddenly the sun disappeared and the sky darkened

time stood still

 i watched my sheets catch a corner of a fallen tree branch 

the current grew stronger 

I saw the fibers rip and tear

exhausted cotton 

destroyed linen

once perfect without holes

vanished into the troubled river 

sinking into the depths of the murky abyss

I lay myself down on a picnic bench and turn to see 

the sheets in shreds

I lay ontop of the table with my hands beneath my head

and stare into the sky

it's almost completely dark out

I close my eyes 

in hopes of waking up 

on cotton clouds

jaded mirror

there are times when i look in the mirror and am unable to see what everyone else sees
it's as though i cannot remember the person looking back at me
i'm able to see a girl but am unable to place the pieces to the puzzle
of me and who i am
i confuse myself in effort to try to accept the way of the world with a set of eyes that often shadow my perspective of reality and daydreams

Insight

It's cool and interesting to get insight from talking about life and things to gain perspective. Life is all about perspective. It's kind of like a kaleidoscope of views. Your view can be skewed, it can be drenched with unrealistic expectations, it can be bright, it can be dark and sullen, or tainted from previous experiences from the past. Whether or not you believe what you see in your kaleidoscope affects your being. IT envelopes your personality, dreams, wishes, and hopes into what you determine from the kaleidoscope. I am working on bettering myself and personality. In a way I feel like a sponge with my family's emotions. It's as if I'm happy if my parents are happy. I know it's not my purpose in life to make them happy or act and behave exactly like them. It's weird because I have always gaged my moods with another person. If Lindsay were happy or sad I'd be those things. It's a weird concept to grasp but I think you are able to understand what I am trying to say. I'm working on breaking this and making myself happy no matter how anyone else is feeling.